| When I was growing up, my parents were very liberal, and they didn't
portray sex as dirty or bad. But my parents had self-esteem problems.
From their unintended example, I learned to devalue myself. And when
you believe in your own worthlessness, it's very hard to believe that
you deserve pleasure or happiness.
So even though I wasn't saddled with any religious anti-sex guilt, or dirty-disgusting-sex guilt, I still wound up with a big whoppin' dose of pleasure-guilt anyway. Sexual fantasies can serve as a way to guiltlessly provide pleasure. Plots can take responsibility off the fantasizer -- a classic example is crossdressing fantasy, which usually presents a second person as "forcing" the man to wear the female clothing. This helps the fantasizer to enjoy his dreams without casting himself in a role where he does things that society disapproves of. So let's talk a bit about Force Fantasies. I'm sure many of you remember the era when several biggo books came out documenting that a majority of the U.S. population is into Force Fantasies (okay, Force for short). Not just the ladies with their romance novels and ravishment scenarios, but men too. I was quite surprised when, in college, my boyfriend told me about one of his favorite fantasies. In his fantasy, he's stranded somewhere, and he attempts hitchhiking. A woman drives up on the lonely road. She stops and lets him get in the car. Then she pulls a gun on him. "Open your pants" she demands, and ... Pretty cool, huh? To get back on topic, Shere Hite's The Hite Report and Nancy Friday's My Secret Garden, along with some other studies of the time, brought Force out into the open. Friday spoke knowledgeably about the power of these fantasies to alleviate guilt about sexual desire. These days fetishism is more open; the 13th generation (gen-x) and the Gothic crowds have better opportunities to pursue their needs, but that doesn't mean anybody's cured the guilt factor yet. For me, the best way around the guilt factor is to assign the "blame" to my Villain. After all, if I'm some young lady who's tempted to think about having sex with a horse, that's going to be emotionally scary to cast myself as some bizarre woman who goes and does this because she wants to, right? Especially since society has already loaded me up with ten tons of garbage about how women shouldn't be raunchy or kinky. So maybe the fantasy is going to be less upsetting if some other character steps in and says, Have sex with this horse. Oh ... Mr. Ed ... yes ... yes! While we're at it, let's take a side glance at that whole women-can't-be-raunchy thing. In high school, if a guy talks about sex, makes sex jokes, and grabs his crotch, that's pretty funny ha ha -- right? And if a girl talks about sex, makes sex jokes, and grabs her crotch, she's a SLUT and none of the other girls want to be friends with her and the guys who date her will bad-mouth her to the whole school. So even in "enlightened" times, women are still growing up with a double-face personality they're supposed to achieve seamlessly -- Eve and Mary. After all, a teenage boy still wants his girlfriend to be hot and horny and insatiable in bed... but he only wants her to have felt that way with him, not with any other guy, ever before or ever again! When I was a teenager I was SEETHING WITH SEX HORMONES. I wanted sex and I wanted it constantly. When guys were like that, it was considered "studly" (remember that old term?). When girls were like that it was gross. Luckily I had partners who viewed me as a human being. Yes, a human being who happened to be REALLY HORNY. But not a disgusting slut to be looked down upon. Still, I was well aware of the pressure of peer groups, and I didn't want to be a pariah. I tried to keep my making-out to the "correct" level -- it seemed like there was always some consensus about "how far" was okay at any given age. But my personal needs never seemed to match the ground rules. When everyone was going to 1st base, I didn't feel ready to. When everyone said 2nd base was okay but no farther, I was dying for 3rd. Mindful of the norms, I tried to keep my excitement in control so that I could enforce the limits. After all, my guy never seemed in charge of respecting the group limits; he seemed in charge of pressuring me to go farther. So I couldn't really let myself get carried away; I had to be the one on guard. Unfortunately this served to create a pattern where I'd enjoy a little, then after a while I'd shut down my sensations and block off the pleasure. This worked great for maintaining control, and even worked great for that part of my subconscious that was saying "you don't deserve pleasure anyway," but the long-term effect of this kind of mind control can be: * sensual numbness / inability to focus on
sensation In my force fantasies, I was happy to throw away the responsibility of staying in control. My scenarios starred some wonderful guy I adored who would press on despite my goody-two-shoes rules. Ah rapture! After all this patter, you might be thinking that my whole bondage fetish grew out of these adolescent conflicts, but not really. I was fascinated by bondage when I was 5 or 6 years old. In my case, these teenage problems just gave bondage a higher grade :) Anyway, due to this big mental power struggle between he-and-me at that age, making out grew to have an innate element of D/s -- in the simple act of letting someone touch me. He touches me, he arouses me, he manipulates my body and my mind and my pleasure, I'm relinquishing control, he's getting the upper hand, I'm losing control, he has me in his power, I'm out of control, I want more, I must resist -- yada yada yada! It seemed odd to me that my partners didn't feel the D/s; they didn't feel any undercurrent of power in sex... But for me, simply becoming excited was a loss of control. And that was a scary thing for me -- letting someone else have control of how I felt. It's scary the same way it's scary to fall in love and let someone get hold of a piece of your heart. I’d like to quote from the Los Angeles Daily News, October 6, 1997:
My own personal interp of this is, Struggling is Sexy. Scary is Sexy. Set up your consensual environment with an understanding that acting out Force is okay; toying with fear is okay. Nervousness can be created by making her wait in an empty room for ten minutes (what’s he going to do? what’s going to happen?) before you come charging in with ropes in hand. Attacking, wrestling, and struggling jump- starts arousal like you wouldn’t believe. (Tickle fetishists employ the exercise-response in the same way.) And don’t mind those wishy-washy researchers -- of COURSE this can work with men just as well as it works with women. Well, I’ve rambled sloppily through several different topics and thought-threads, but I hope you've enjoyed reading about my happy obsessions! :)
Postscript Are we all on the same page? When you enjoy an exciting Star Wars movie, do you get all confused and think you really want to get involved in a real-life mutilation battle with Darth Vader? If the answer's yes, then you don't understand why a fantasy has zilch to do with nonconsensual reality, so please read my buddy's email (since he says this pretty much the way I would): From: Richard Reynolds What you're really talking about in your column is setting up a consensual sexual scenario that has elements of surprise. From personal experience, you know that there's nothing sensual about the reality of being assaulted. Even though your column talks about the eroticism associated with fear and losing control, the total loss of control in the uncomfortable environment of a real assault is not the least bit enjoyable. It's important to get across the understanding that, in spite of having these fantasies, a woman does not want to be assaulted. Whether or not a woman secretly wants to have sex, a guy has to respect her right to say "No." Okay, it's me Lorelei again, and I'll add a little explanation for anyone who's still confused: There were times that I wanted to have sex... but I made a cognitive decision that I wasn't going to have it. Being interested in having sex is not consent. Being excited is not consent. Actually DECIDING TO DO IT is consent. And that's why you don't try to have nonconsensual sex with anybody -- no matter WHAT their mood is! Thanks, Richard, for your email, and I hope this clears up any gray areas I may have left unpainted.
Postscript
#2 (later) |
Lorelei